“The more that you’re in your own confidence and you’re in your body and the more you don’t need someone else to fulfill you but that you are fulfilled by yourself, that is what makes you so attractive.” Uh, hell yeah! That’s from guest and sexual empowerment coach A’magine, in her conversation with Christine Hassler on the “Over It And On with It podcast. Listen in to get A’magine’s strategies for incorporating pleasure in to everyday life, her somewhat controversial view on life after becoming single and how to get out of our overly active minds and connected back into our bodies.
Links and Show Notes:
If you enjoy the podcast, please subscribe and share. As always, thanks for listening.
Today we’re talkin sexual confidence. And I’m here to give you the 5 simple steps to go from headache to hell yeah in the bedroom! Okay, not really, what kind of show do you think this is anyway, my God! But actually we are talking about sexual confidence, just minus the 5 simple steps. And since I struggle with talking openly on the subject of sex, I figure, what better way to “pop that cherry” so to speak, than in the privacy of a podcast. Know one listens to these things anyway right?
And don’t get me wrong, I like sex as much as the next person ...I mean, from what I remember. I’ve been single for 3 years so it’s been a minute but I assume everything still works the same. And if you listened to the last episode, you know I love men...particularly ones that specialize in neuroscience and whose name starts with the letters Dr. and end with Huberman...I’m kidding, I’m kidding...I’m not kidding.
And it's only taken me, what, 40 some years to break that vow of silence and start to enjoy learning more about my sexuality, I think partly because I’m just more comfortable in my own skin and I’m getting better at expressing myself. And as I get older and my health improves, my libido seems to be making a come back. It’s seriously embarrassing to admit it but I’m starting to understand how a teenage boy feels going through puberty. It’s uncomfortable. And before you judge me, it’s honestly not me, really, it’s my hormones, I swear! In the words of Nicole Kidman, from “Practical Magic,” “Yep, that’s right, I’m back. Woo! Hang onto your husbands girls! Sigh, good times. Or, or, it’s mother nature. She’s knockin at my door, pink slip in hand, ready to retire any unused merchandise, aka eggs, for laying down or maybe not laying down on the job.
Thanks to intelligent conversations like the one between A’magine and Christine and of course the good people at pornhub;) Sex isn’t the four letter word it used to be. And since it’s only part of the picture, it gets us to something else they bring up, which is an intention to find more pleasure in life. Yes, of course that might mean sexual pleasure, but not just that. It’s finding the little things in your day to day that give you joy and actively pursuing them. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Wait, joy? Is that even a thing? And what’s it got to do with sex? For one thing, it can be kinda hard to drop into your body if you’re unhappy in your head. And for a long time, I had no clue that was a missing piece in my life. Why would I? It’s not exactly the talk of suburbia backyard cookouts and neighborhood birthday parties. But just because I didn’t know it was missing doesn't mean I didn’t feel SOMETHING was missing. Unfortunately, you don’t know what you don’t know.
Last month in acting class, one of the emotions we worked on was, can you guess it? Yep, joy! Our direction, create a scene with it and go! When I heard this, I was like, Oh what the fuck, are you kidding me right now? Like, are you kidding, joy? I have to be all happy and shit. But actually, it was awesome! It really was a ton of fun and unbelievably cathartic. No matter what mood people walked in with that night, they all left feeling good. Which begs the question, Do you need to seek out what brings pleasure and DO THOSE THINGS or can you make a practice of creating it within yourself? I think both. And as easy as it is to think of something negative, putting yourself into a negative emotional state, it’s just as easy to replace it with something positive like joy. But, it takes practice. And the key word is replace, because if you don’t make a choice, your mind will make it for you, usually with another shitty thought to take its place.
And who wants to go through life, living the same crappy day over and over again, without doing the things you love? I’ve done it. And It sucks!. You have got to carve out some small piece of happiness for yourself and do it on the regular. Otherwise, and I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir here, you will build up resentment, anger, bitterness and frustration with yourself, your environment and your relationships. You will, they will, I did, suffer. It’s not rocket science, it’s just not always within our awareness. It’s so easy to get caught up in our own fish bowl of life that we can’t see the water needs changing. And it took one divorce, a shit load of self help and therapy and 10 years of chronic disease to figure that out. Please, don’t wait that long. Take care of you now! It’s not selfish, over-indulgent or self centered or any other shameful thought we have about ourselves, it’s necessary if we don’t want to suffocate in the dirty water of our shitty feelings. If you really think about it, it’s a selfless act, not that you need an excuse to do something for yourself, which you absolutely do not but, if you feel like you need one, you can give, serve and support a whole heck of a lot more if you’re doing those things for yourself as well. In other words, you can’t give what you don’t have. It’s exhausting.
I just have to say something else really quick. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE YOUR PARTNER SEX IN EXCHANGE FOR TAKING CARE OF YOUR OWN NEEDS. It shouldn’t have to be a tit for tat kind of thing. And if you’re bullied or guilt tripped you into it, they are manipulating you and that’s a separate issue that needs attention. I’m not saying that happened to me, you understand, but if you remember my friend Stacy from a few episodes back, she told me that every time she did something for her husband, it was because she owed him for something he had done for her and everytime he did something for her, well then, she owed him. Either way, she was always in debt. Now that’s just bad accounting.
So, obviously, not everyone’s eager to embrace change, but with a little training they’ll get over it. I mean, they got used to who you are now and they can get used to who you're going to be. Unfortunately it was too late for me and my window of opportunity expired, which led to some really difficult decisions on my end but as hard as it was, I have gone from absolute misery and extremely self obsessed, because when we’re miserable all we do is think about ourselves and our own misery, to a feeling of grateful and supportive of others. And I’m just a whole lot better to be around.
Something that’s always challenged me, growing up in the era of children should be seen and not heard is how to stop hiding my emotions and start expressing how I feel. Good, bad or ugly. Because they’re gonna come out either way. It’s just a question of how.
It’s been a huge part of my personality to stay somewhat contained or controlled, not to get overly expressive or excited because it could be awkward and make people feel uncomfortable and God forbid we’re seen as being just a little too much. Because I feel the need, the need to please. I mean shit, if I’m flirty people might think I’m a tease or easy. Not flirty enough, then I’m prude and uptight. Too angry, people might think I’m bitchy. Upset, then I’m high strung, fragile and over emotional, and the list goes on right? Crazy, bossy, rigid, angry, slutty, high maintenance...all the colorful labels that get slapped on us for showing up as too much. It’s one of the reasons to get into an acting class. You’re actually celebrated for expressing.
So, what brings you pleasure? Do you even remember? Or has it been so long, that like me, you’ve totally forgotten? Well, if that’s the case, then here’s a prescription for that, given to me directly by an old business coach. Make a list. I know, relevetory! Write down all the things you can think of that you used to enjoy, think you might enjoy or definitely will enjoy...and start doing them. But you have to take action on them. Because nothing will change if it stays in your head.
Excited to learn more? Download the full episode from the “Over it and On with it” podcast and listen to A’magine and Christine Hassler’s full interview. Links to that and both their social media are in the show notes below.
If you enjoyed today’s podcast please share with someone you think might benefit and until next time, Thanks for listening.